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- 3 years 9 months
So it's summer party season! Time to celebrate your favorite graduate by loading up on the seven-layer bars (one layer for each pound that's going straight to your thighs) and admiring the cardboard shrines, painstakingly built by parents and overflowing with photos, medals and certificates. You don't linger, there are too many of these functions to attend and summer goes by too quickly as it is, so you smile, shake a few hands, grab a few more bars and head out to the next soiree.
So it's Grandma's Marathon weekend, which means one thing if you're a lifelong resident of the Twin Ports: This is the weekend to get OUT of the Twin Ports. Seriously, our town is about to be overrun by "athletes" scrambling over each other in a contest to see who can retain the most Friday night beer in their Saturday morning systems. No one wants to stick around for that, especially the folks who have front yards anywhere near the race course. Now I know what many of you in City Hall are saying: "What the ... ?
So this weekend marks one very special anniversary for me. Two, if you include last weekend when I vowed to never again use Proctor as a punchline. However, about a minute after I said it I realized that it's never gonna happen. I may as well pledge that the sun won't ever set in the west or guarantee that WDSM announcers will think before they talk. It's a statistical impossibility.
So, graduates ... I have been asked to deliver today's commencement address and I know what you're all thinking: "Someone lost a bet." Followed closely by, "Who is that?" And finishing with, "Did I remember to put pants on under this gown?" Well, let me put your minds at ease with the following answers: "Maybe." "I'm not sure, either." And, "Even if you did forget, no one will notice. I mean, look at me. But not too closely." And although I am obviously not qualified to deliver this speech, I did graduate high school, which is more than I can say for all of you ...
So now it's time for some Viewer Mail. Dear Dave, Huge fan. Long-time viewer, first-time writer. Last week, I fired up the ol' time machine and became 18 again, with a full head of hair and glasses the size of canned hams, and watched as you broadcast your final show. I thought it was very well put-together and I had a smile on my face the entire broadcast. I was afraid I might get a little misty-eyed, but you made sure that didn't happen by keeping your emotions in check and treating it like a regular broadcast.
So we just went through our inaugural prom season at the Matuszak homestead and like everything else that happens in high school, the experience was an emotional rollercoaster of screaming obscenities, giggling fits and crying jags lasting all afternoon. Yes, I was a mess. However, I did learn a few things along the way that I'd like to share with all you fathers who will soon be experiencing your first prom. Maybe next year, maybe this weekend ... either way, here's some vital information that I wish someone had given me a few months back.
So the entire city of Duluth was under lockdown last week after a ferocious bear came charging out of the woods and held city hall hostage for several terrifying hours. Who among us will ever forget that image of the beast, vicious claws dangling from tree branches, as it snoozed in the afternoon sun? (And by "snoozed" I mean, "planned on who would be the first to be eaten.") Thank goodness for the 24-hour local media coverage that kept us all up-to-date on the creature's savage sleep schedule.
So it's Mother's Day 2015, which means that not only are you overdue on sending last year's card, but you should also send along something extra nice to make up for those rebellious teenage years when all you gave your Mom was a sneer. Let's face facts. You were and continue to be a terrible burden to your mother. Don't be offended, though. We're all the source of decades of Mom Pain, starting on the day we're born.
So Chris Dahlberg recently announced that he will not be running for Duluth mayor in the next election, despite the fact that no one asked him. It got me to thinking about the various Random Thoughts columns I've put together for the Budgeteer over the years. In them, I also spew nonsensical ramblings and opinions for which no one asked. Don't worry. I'm not running for mayor, either. But I have assembled more musings, ponderings and ruminations than you can shake a St. Louis County commissioner at, if that's your idea of a good time.
So, as you probably remember, I have written a few columns in the past that tout my daughter Kaylee's many accomplishments. And by a "few" I mean "132." I categorize these columns as "Dad Bragging" while Kaylee calls them "Dad Embarrassing," but I disagree. Besides, how can I take someone seriously who used to watch Teletubbies and drool all afternoon? Sure, she was 1 1/2, but that's no excuse. And now that I think about it, that may have been me ... but no matter! Like most parents, I don't really care what my kid thinks.