Matuszakspeare's errors of comedy
So despite what my mirror says, I'm not perfect. Believe it or not, I've made a mistake or three during my seven years of writing columns for the Budgeteer. None of these mistakes were done purposely, of course. Rather, they are the result of painstakingly sloppy research, a meticulously cavalier attitude and all-around general laziness.
I started writing for the Budgeteer in June 2010 and my last column is fast approaching. When it's all done, my final tally will be 365 columns, filled with approximately 182,500 words, five of which were funny. This column will soon be moving over to those new weekly papers, Lakeside Loons and The Wacky Western One (or something like that ... I really need to start paying attention in meetings. Or at least start attending meetings. But, hey, "The View" isn't going to watch itself!) so I thought this would be the perfect time to take a look back and correct a few of the teeny-tiny errors that may have inadvertently found their way into my writing. You may recognize a few of these and if so, YOU CAN STOP WRITING, MOM! I'M FIXING THEM! JEEZ!
July 3, 2010: My first of many self-indulgent birthday columns. I practically begged for a Star Wars T-shirt, but none of you ingrates — uh, faithful readers! —bothered to send me one. Turned out to be a blessing because I typed the wrong thing. I meant to say I wanted a Cheryl Ladd poster.
Aug. 27, 2011: I mistakenly wrote that Brad Bennett had mangled the words "Norshor marquee," resulting in his first FCC fine. It was actually his second. In 2009 he tried to say "Don Dicklich" and shut down WDSM for a week.
April 21, 2012: I'm ashamed to admit this wasn't an original column. Deadline was looming and, as a result of not enough time and too many Pop-Tarts, I hastily resubmitted an old one from 2010, changing the words "Jeno Paulucci" to "Bic lighter" and "Gary Doty" to "tartar sauce."
Feb. 9, 2013: Brad Bennett didn't really bottle his excess microphone spittle to sell as a cheap Windex knockoff. But he did mispronounce "Windex," resulting in FCC fine No. 172.
May 31, 2014: The Tall Ships Festival never did change its name to the People Will Pay For Anything Festival. My bad.
Nov. 28, 2015: I talked about how my daughter, Kaylee, was amazing as Princess Winnifred in "Once Upon A Mattress" at Hermantown High School, but that wasn't entirely accurate. She was also fabulous, hilarious, topnotch and wonderful! I also didn't use enough exclamation points, so here are some extras!!!!!!!!
Sept. 25, 2016: While it was true that Brad Bennett had been permanently banned from using the words "Twitter," "snitch" and "cocker spaniel" on the air, I forgot to include "kumquat." Listeners only wish Mr. Bennett had done the same.
The Budgeteer News regrets these errors. Somebody has to.
Brian hopes you’ll continue to read these columns in the … um, Eastern Egg Journal and Daily Denfeld Thingy? Something like that.