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This Mother’s Day, give the gift of Don

He's back! Or did he ever leave? (Duluth News Tribune file photo)

So once again Mother’s Day has crept up behind you, tapped you on the shoulder and reminded you of what a terrible offspring you are because you didn’t know Mother’s Day was creeping up behind you. What kind of a son/daughter ingrate are you? (Hint: probably a son.)

Usually, one has to create some sort of reminding device about Mother’s Day, like setting up your phone to shriek at you “YOU’RE A TERRIBLE CHILD!” a day before the big event. But that can prove problematic, especially if you happen to be at Spencer’s Gifts, innocently perusing the posters in the back of the store.

Let me help. It’s what I do. Well, that, plus all my duties as president of the Justin Liles Fan Club, but those particulars don’t apply here. (Although, if you’re interested, follow my Twitter @LoveMyLiles for all things Justin-related. I understand he’s debuting a new cold front graphic this week!) Stay on top of Mother’s Day by using one of these sure-fire, last-minute, hyphen-connecting Last Minute Mother’s Day Gift Ideas. But hurry! There’s a dark shadow off behind you and I don’t think it’s the Ghost of Summers Past ...


Who can resist the boyish charms of Duluth’s favorite-est mayor? Just pull on the adorable scruffy pretend beard, walk around with crates of unsold biographies and have him be Mom’s personal escort to the Barker’s Island All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet.

LAST-MINUTE GIFT IDEA NO. 2: ”Don Ness Himself”

Why pretend to be the most popular-est mayor of Duluth when the real thing has an open schedule and nothin’ to do? He’s already got the scruffy pretend beard and crates of unsold biographies. For an additional fee, he might even autograph one for Mom. But if you want him to leave the books at home, you can’t afford it.

LAST-MINUTE GIFT IDEA NO. 3: ”Name A Space Registry”

Putting her name on a star registry is so “2001: A Space Oddity.” Give Mom the gift of SPACE. That’s right, it’s her own personalized empty storefront in the Mariner Mall. She can name the space whatever she wants … heck, she can sell whatever she wants. The management team over there is so desperate, you can pretty much do anything, as long as you promise to leave the lights on, shoo away the pigeons and make it look occupied.

There you have it. Use one of these sure-fire ideas and it’ll be the best Mother’s Day yet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go tweet. Justin just sent me an audio file of his new “pretend Darren Danielson is funny” giggle.

Happy Mother’s Day to Bev, the rock of the Matuszak clan. Brian, Bruce, Brenda and Brad are grateful for your wisdom, patience and support. We love you.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at