Some brilliant (but modest) proposals


So with our spring weather finally cooperating (i.e., not burying us alive under 30 feet of ice-encrusted frigid frost blankets), it’s time to start thinking about getting outside. Then once we’re out there, we can experience the third-most frustrating outdoor activity in all of Duluth:

1)  Dodging dive-bombing seagulls and their Gifts From Above.

2)  Scrambling out of potholes.

2A) Making arrangements for our vehicles to get pulled out of potholes.

3)  Playing golf.

As recently reported in the Duluth News Tribune (official slogan: “All the news! Half the staff!”), the local golf courses need our help. Both Enger Park and Lester Park are coming off lackluster seasons and are losing money faster than George Kessler at a Star Trek convention.

Of course, since I’m brilliant, visionary and most importantly, humble, I have a multitude of solutions for saving these precious Duluth commodities. Don’t believe me? Just look what I came up with back in the ‘80s when the Lift Bridge was in financial trouble ...

ME: OK, Mayor Fedo, here’s the plan. Not only does the bridge go UP, but it should also start coming back DOWN.

FEDO: Brilliant! Visionary!

ME: Gee, thanks.

FEDO: And so humble! By the way, don’t worry about the tab. Lunch is on me. And the city. I got a receipt for both.

So listen up, Duluth budget bigwigs. Here are three super-easy steps that will take both Enger and Lester from overgrown, bloated, drowning-in-debt sewer holes, and transform them into overgrown, bloated, break-even sewer holes. (Baby steps. I learned that from Mayor Fedo.)

STEP 1: Install speakers in various trees, shrubbery and the occasional wandering moose and broadcast nothing but WDSM radio talk shows all summer long. Golfers will want to get to the hole so fast their scores will immediately improve, plummeting lower than the combined IQs of every WDSM radio talk show host.

STEP 2: Two words: Kitten. Caddies.

STEP 3: Embrace that lake view. You can do this at Lester by chopping down every tree, shrubbery and wandering moose. At Enger, simply jack up the entire course a couple of feet in the air. Easy and practical solutions.

There you go, Billy Casper! Follow these three simple steps and get ready to sit back and count all that new moola coming in. Then set the moola aside and count all the money. I’ll be submitting two receipts for my golf course saving services shortly.

I learned that from Mayor Fedo, too.

Brian enjoys a good round of golf. Unfortunately, he hasn’t played one yet.