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Throwing good news after bad

We're pretty sure this is Alec Baldwin. (Photo: Voice of America News)

So as you know, good news has been hard to come by since November. It seems like every time I start to feel good about the way my life is going, I remember who is currently residing in the highest office in the land, causing my heart to descend to the lowest orifice in my body.

If this describes you and your low orifice, let me offer up a solution that's helped get me through these first couple of week ... HOLY HECK!! IT'S ONLY BEEN A MONTH? AHHHHHHH!!!!

Sorry. Our national horror show overwhelmed me there for a second. As I was saying, here's how I discovered my own personal coping mechanism to combat the idiocy of President Tru ... AUGHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN LESS THAN A MONTH!!! BLARGHABOOGABOOGASQUATCH!!!

Whew. Sorry again. Third time's the charm, right? At least, that's what Bill Gronseth told me. Anyway, here's my story ...

Beginning on Jan. 21, for every piece of terrible, soul-crunching, pitch-black piece of awfulness that came slithering out of Washington, I forced myself to find something that would raise my spirits and help me get through it. My friends called it "avoidance." I called it "alcohol." But that all stopped the day I got my credit card bill and discovered I'd spent more at the liquor store in one week than the entire WDIO news staff spends on hairspray in a month. So I developed an alternative method of sanity survival called Good News/Bad News. Here's how it works. For every piece of bad news you hear, you have to immediately swap it out for something good.

For example:

BAD NEWS: We have a new U.S. Attorney General with an (R) by his name that doesn't just stand for Republican.

GOOD NEWS: "Nevertheless, she persisted." became a national rallying cry and will undoubtedly be the name of my daughter's next album.

BAD NEWS: We also have a new Secretary of Education in place.

GOOD NEWS: Classroom bear attacks should substantially decrease.

The technique works for local news as well.

BAD NEWS: Bill Gronseth is looking for a new superintendent job.

GOOD NEWS: A little owl on a squad car told me it's for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

So give it a try. And if you find Good News/Bad News doesn't help you deal with this Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Presidency, well ...

Canada is still accepting refugees.

GOOD NEWS: Brian will have a new column next week. BAD NEWS: Since he comments on stupid stuff, it’ll probably be about Trump.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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