My open valentine to Karlie Kloss
Dear Karlie Kloss,
Hey, Karlie, it's Jason again. I write this letter so that I may renew my vow to love you forever, or at least until you get old and/or fat, but that should go without saying.
Forgive me for making our relationship public, but you haven't been answering my letters, social-media messages, texts or phone calls. It might be easier if I had your phone number and didn't have to try randomly calling strangers.
I believe our hearts are entwined, something I realized when I saw the back of your jeans in that Express clothing ad. You are hot, and I like hotties. We are clearly soulmates.
Now, I know what you're saying. You think it would never work, because I'm an aging, never-was humor columnist and you're a supermodel. But I'm willing to overlook that if you are.
I noticed you didn't respond to the flowers and candy I sent you. I also noticed your bodyguard's fist in my face. But I'm not bitter. You think this is the first time I've been savagely beaten by a celebrity bombshell? Well, it's not. Just ask your friend, Taylor Swift.
In any case, I'm sure you get flowers and candy all the time, so I'll forgive you for ignoring that. But I really hoped you'd go for the Shop Fox drill press. Consumer Reports gave it four and a half stars. Four and a half! It didn't even give that good a rating to Consumer Reports magazine!
And if you're not impressed with it, can I have it back? And could you please spring for priority shipping? C'mon, you can afford to do that if you can afford to buy that Victoria's Secret "eau de parfum," which I assume is just regular perfume made from the tears of a better-fed slave laborer.
I want to assure you that I don't just want you for your body. I also want your legs. And your hair. And your teeth. That may seem like a small thing, but having good teeth is a skill. I won't mention names, but I'd swear at least a few contestants on America's Top Model look like they stole David Letterman's dentures.
I'm also really impressed with your charity work to preserve the world's ecosystem. I mean, I'm not sure if you do that, but that's the scenario I concocted for you. You do have some pet charity project, right? Like aiding the homeless, giving tattoos to indigent children or shaving crop circles on the back of people's pets? I could probably look that up, but I find that knowing about my girlfriend's vastly different interests gets in the way of our relationship.
Speaking of which, I should probably mention that my having a girlfriend won't be an issue. If you answer this public letter, I'll dump her like a Mitt Romney cabinet position. If she didn't let me make time with Karlie friggin' Kloss, then she never really loved me, anyway.
I should further mention that our love is contingent on your never breaking wind, even once. I know, I know: You wouldn't have gotten that Juicy Couture gig if that were even physically possible. But I've heard horror stories about Megan Fox and Eva Mendes, so I'm just covering my bases.
Anyway, I hope to hear back from you soon, preferably not in the form of another restraining order.
P.S. If you want to bring Taylor Swift with you, I'd be OK with that. That is, if YOU want her there. Anything to make you happy.