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Valentine's Day ideas to make her swoon, or run

So just in case you forgot, the most romantic, extra-special, wonderful holiday of the year is in February. Unfortunately Super Bowl Sunday was last week, but Valentine's Day is definitely a close second.

As usual, I am here to save every one of you idiotic-procrastinating-lunkheaded-narcissistic-nitwits — or men — who once again failed to obtain something special for your someone special this Feb. 14. Let's face it, "I'm Donald Trumping it, baby!" didn't work last year as a valid excuse for being a misogynistic toad (unless you were running for President), so allow me to flex my romance muscle* and help you out.

*EDITOR'S NOTE: This sounds too dirty. Please replace.

**COLUMNIST'S NOTE: Sorry, Mr. Editor, didn't see your note until just now. Please use "love pump" or "Slytherin satchel" instead.

VALENTINE'S DAY IDEA No. 1: Hire Barry Manilow to drop by your sweetheart's place of employment and cover them in romantic schmaltz. For an extra 20 bucks, he'll sing for them, too.

VALENTINE'S DAY IDEA No. 2: Pure Pleasure in Hermantown offers group discounts. I heard.*

*EDITOR'S NOTE: Does this have anything to do with last July's expense report?

**COLUMNIST'S NOTE: Not sure. Does it say "Column Research" or "Birthday Weekend" across the top? You know what, doesn't matter. Tom Bakk told me they're both legit.

VALENTINE'S DAY IDEA No. 3: How about a romantic getaway to the Mariner Mall in Superior? Barefoot walks along deserted stretches of empty storefronts. Lonely sounds of desperation echoing softly off the dusty "Condemned" signs. It's the perfect way to reconnect as the two of you will never be further away from human contact.

VALENTINE'S DAY IDEA No. 4: Obtain the Twitter writing services of our current President to create your own personalized message of love. Such as:

Roses are sad. Violets are blue.

This all describes me. When I think of you.

You used to have a halfway decent caboose.*

What happened? Unbelievable!

Happy Valentine's day, Horse Face.

*EDITOR'S NOTE: Since this is official White House language, my hands are tied.

**COLUMNIST'S NOTE: Oh, you got my new expense report?

Feel free to let Brian know if any of these Valentine’s Day ideas work so he can get a head start on 2018.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at