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We’re really trying to be positive here

So if you hadn’t heard, America has a new president. It may not be the candidate that got the most votes, but that doesn’t matter. Something called the Electoral College (ironically, the one college that could use some elimination of funds) prevailed and the runner-up became the winner.

But that’s democracy for you. Messy, unpredictable, slightly gag-inducing. You don’t like it, talk to the founding fathers. Or Putin.

Either way, America is under new leadership. And after only a few days, one thing is abundantly clear: the next four years are going to be as smooth as a Duluth street.

But at least we here in the Twin Ports can look at the lake to calm our nerves after a bone-jostling trip down Mesaba Avenue. What’s the rest of the country supposed to do when the president and his staff take a daily jaunt over to Crazy Town? There’s only so much liquor you can purchase and consume in four years. I know. I went to college.

Well, one thing we can do is keep our senses of humor. You don’t need much tequila for that. Another thing is to search out anything positive, ANYTHING AT ALL, and grab it with all the greasy gusto of Rush Limbaugh at a KFC lunch buffet.

OK, something positive … let’s see … there’s … uh … um … ooo, got one!

You have to give this administration credit for coming up with new ways of communicating. Don’t take the president literally, they tell us. He doesn’t mean what he says, they tell us. Everything is fine, they tell us. I would be more inclined to believe all that if they weren’t nervously twitching out “Save Me” in eye blinks.

Some examples:

  • The president said “Mexico will pay for that wall” but he meant “Mexico will pay for that wall EVENTUALLY.”

  • The press secretary said photographs of vast acres of empty space actually show thousands of enthusiastic inauguration supporters.

  • And, best of all, the official White House spokesperson told us that lies aren’t lies. They are “alternative facts.”

Ladies and gentlemen, we must have some fun with that one. If we don’t, our souls will be crushed and nobody wants that. Except for Putin. So get ready for some Alternative Facts, Duluth-style!

  • The Great Lakes Aquarium draws more people than Grandma’s Marathon and the Bluesfest. Combined! #DuluthAlternativeFact

  • The Giant Rubber Duck is the biggest, most original tourist attraction in the world. Ever! #DuluthWeasellyPromoterAlternativeFact

  • The Minnesota Ballet's Celebrity Dance Challenge is full of challenging dances. And real celebrities. #TwoDuluthAlternativeFactsForThePriceOfOne

Finally, here’s one I think the entire country can get behind. Except for Putin.

  • President Hillary Clinton. #AlternativeFactWeWishWereReal

Brian feels that the next four years won’t be a comedy goldmine as much as a comedy landmine.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at