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Our 29th anniversary is ... almost the 30th

So depending on when you read this, I may have been married for 29 years. I say "depending" because the actual date of our anniversary is Sept. 19 and for all I know, you might see this a day before that, or you might hoard it away to read later in the week while sitting in your personal "library" after Big Burrito Thursday. Either way, 29 years is a lot of anniversaries. Nearly 30!

Recalling how long my wife Sue and I have been married is easy. The year — 1987 — has been seared into my memory for all eternity because of that event's significance. You romantics will say "He's talking about his wedding day! Awwwwwww!!" while all the rest of us men will first belch then say, "That's the year the Twins won the World Series and finally made Minnesota a winner after decades of Vikings futility, ya gooshy goofballs!" If my wife is reading this column right now, of course the romantics are correct.*

Anniversary No. 29 is one of those weird number ones, too. Next year No. 30 will be an exciting milestone while four years back, No. 25 was filled with happy memories as family and friends gathered to help us celebrate our silver anniversary. But what do you do for 29? I'll probably take a trip to the chiropractor while Sue finishes sandblasting the deck.

It's also weird because it's the first anniversary in 18 years where there won't be a kid in the house. Kaylee left for college in August so Sue and I are what the experts call "empty nesters" but what we call "no-longer-tripping-over-shoes-in-the-foyer time." It's weird ... We can do whatever crazy thing we want this anniversary: swinging from the ceiling fans during an evening of wild, passionate debauchery! Chugging tequila out of tennis shoes and pants-flinging like it's an Olympic sport! We could have one huge shindig, the likes of which hasn't been experienced in this house since the former neighbors called the SWAT team on us in 1988, baby! Or, we could walk down to the Kwik Trip and treat ourselves to a muffin from the reduced bakery basket!

Either way.

All I know is, the pressure is on. I better plan something huge for the 30th. I was originally thinking a romantic cruise to the Bahamas but then I remembered that neither of us like the Bahamas. Or cruises. Or traveling. We do, however, have a vague recollection of something called "romance," so there's something there I can pursue. I've got time. It's still 365 days (or so) away.

Anyone know of a good ceiling-fan repairman?

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at