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My squirrel doesn't love me

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So how are wild animals like teenagers? Neither group does what you want them to do. In fact, wild animals are worse because, without your help every once in awhile, they would probably die. (To be fair, that probably happens with teenagers, too.) I bring this comparison up because my epic Backyard Battle rages on.

A couple of weeks back (Aug. 14 issue), I mentioned how a certain Rodent-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and I are locked in a heated conflict for outdoor summer dominance. This cunning foe has discovered and devoured every morsel of food in every single birdfeeder I have strategically placed throughout our backyard. Having ruled out nuclear weapons (plutonium is too expensive) and diplomatic negotiations (the only things I know how to say in Squirrel are "Stay off my lawn, you $#!##Complete surrender.

I took a trip to Menards (official slogan: "See you in an hour when you come back after getting home only to realize you forgot to get that thing you originally came in for ... at Menards!") and obtained some actual squirrel-feeders. Yes, there are people who want these demonic hellspawn creatures hanging around. (Still talking about squirrels, by the way, not teenagers.) I carefully hung the contraptions around the yard, well away from the birdfeeders, thinking the squirrel would be distracted by his own delicious blend of 100-year-old corn on desiccated cob. I believed this because not only are squirrels evil, they're dumb. Or are they?

Two weeks in and Lord Varmintmort hasn't so much as glanced at his dedicated meal plan. Sure, I get a bit of satisfaction out of the fact that he can't get into the birdfeeders anymore. In order to make them less hospitable, I outfitted them with barbed wire and tiny monitors that play Celine Dion 24/7 ... but it's not enough. Why isn't that $#@%&# squirrel eating the food I bought specifically for him?!

Listen, squirrel! Do what I tell you to do and you won't starve! WHY AM I HAVING TO YELL OUT THE BACK WINDOW EVERY TWO MINUTES! WHAT'S THAT? WELL, GO AHEAD AND CALL THE COPS, NEIGHBOR JOE!! I'M SURE THEY'D BE VERY INTERESTED TO HEAR ABOUT NAKED SUNBATHE SUNDAYS!!! OH, WAIT, THAT'S ME!! SORRY!!!!!

*sigh*

At least summer is almost over. Then all I have to worry about is keeping my nuts warm.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE SQUIRREL! QUIT EAVESDROPPING, NEIGHBOR JOE!

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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