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Signs of da end times in da Northland

So, in the world of understatements ...

"The Northland sure has had an interesting summer season."

... is right up there with ...

"Republicans sure have nominated an interesting presidential nominee."

... if by "interesting," you mean "HORRIFYING AND DISASTROUS!!"

I'm telling you, it's the End of Days, people! Look at everything that's happened around here, just since Memorial Day:

• The second 100-Year Flood in less than five years!

• Pokemon descending on our city and battling our surly teens!!

• Power outages that lasted so long, even Barbara Reyelts' demeanor melted!!!

It's as if Mother Nature is sending the Twin Ports a message. (And I'm willing to bet that message involves Tall Ships and/or loud music at Bayfront.) This is exactly the sort of nightmarish hellscape Chuck Horton tried to warn us about when he ran against Emily Larson ... I think. To be honest, I didn't pay a lot of attention to what he had to say. All that shrieking, arm waving and sweat reminded me too much of my high school prom. (And, coincidentally, my first job at Applebee's.)

Speaking of that, there's another sign of the coming apocalypse: Old Country Buffet has disappeared! Where are we Duluthians supposed to get our lukewarm "beef" and free punch cards to the OCB Restroom? (Visit 10 times in one hour and the rehydrating IV is free.)

Or how about the fact that the blue pedestrian slip bridge is STILL breaking down? That thing gets stuck in the "up" position more than Charlie Sheen.

You want more proof? The Norshor Theater is suddenly being renovated. Sure, that looks like a positive sign of progress ... until you realize that the spirits of old vaudevillians will be unleashed to haunt Superior Street for centuries! (They'll stop near the Tech Village, however. The ghost of Gary Doty's political career still occupies that block.)

Don't forget that new "hands-on" horror that's filled with mutant freaks of nature at the Great Lakes Aquarium ... The TV Weather People Touch Tank! (Once, my fingers accidentally brushed against Justin Liles' elbow. To this day, I get nauseous when I hear him pronounce "Gogebic.")

Squirrels in my bird feeders!

A new "Ghostbusters" movie!!

Stewart Mills' hair falling out!!!

What more evidence do you need? The end of the world is coming and there's nothing any of us can do to stop it! Come October, Duluth is going to be nothing more than a deserted pile of smoking craters and reeking piles of moldy garbage!!

Better start changing all the signs to "Superior."

Brian Matuszak actually loves Barbara Reyelts and encourages everyone to watch Channel 6. Or is it 3? Anyway, it’s one of those channels you can get for free because he’s also super cheap.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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