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Little-known things in the Constitution

So, as they do every Fourth of July weekend, the sounds of liberty surround us out here in West Duluth: the innocent laughter of children, the tiny pops of small fireworks, the unexpected BOOM! of a teenager's larger bottle rocket, the momentary stunned silence, followed by frantic screaming, furious yelling and the insistent wailing of an ambulance down Grand Avenue.

But did you know that trips to the emergency room aren't the only freedoms promised to us by the founding fathers? A closer look at the U.S. Constitution reveals several little-known articles, clauses, amendments and doohickeys that grant every single American citizen the permission to do whatever the heck we want. Well, not everything, but certainly more than those weird Canadians. For example, despite what you may have heard from the liberal, left-wing lamestream media hacks, Thomas Jefferson clearly stated in Section 12, Article 57, Paragraph 762:

"Congress shall enact no law inhibiting an individual's God-given dispensation for celebratory activities."

In other words, you don't have to fight for your right to party. The Beastie Boys have been lying to us for decades. Think that's shocking? How about Subsection 53, Subarticle 8, Subparagraph 2:

"We the people, in order to form a more perfect lunch, establish sub sandwiches for every man, woman and child born within legal American boundaries."

As soon as I saw this, I ran to Subway and demanded my free, constitutionally-guaranteed meatball pepperoni melt. Unfortunately, I was in Wisconsin which, technically, is no longer a part of the United States. (Amendment XXVIII: "Any state that comes under the tyrannical rule of an idiotic governor shall immediately be bounced from the union.")

When you dive in deep, you soon discover thousands of surprising revelations. For instance, Clause 42, Participle 7a, Hanging Chad 19: "In all models of advertising products to the citizens of the United States of America, the father should be portrayed as bumbling and dumb."

Or Red 66, Purple 72, Omaha, Omaha, Hut, Hut, Hike: "No cereal shall stay crispy in milk for longer than 3.25 seconds."

Here's one I found tucked away beneath a mountain of dusty preambles that I swear is totally not made up: "Every natural born citizen named Brian who is follicularly challenged, sports spectacles and utilizes feeble attempts at fictional, historical humor shall henceforth and forthwith be made the mayor of Duluth."

Sorry, Emily Larson. But it's in the Constitution.

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at He’s not a constitutional scholar, per se, but he does have the ability to create weird, annoying rants off the top of his head about America. That’s why he’s proud to announce that he’s accepted the request to be Donald Trump’s running mate.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at