Celebrity book signings never go well
So I saw that Don Ness recently won an award for his book "Hillsider: Confessions of a Teenage Mayor." It's great that Don is being recognized for achievements above and beyond potholes, but did you know his book wasn't always so popular?
In fact, I remember one of his autograph appearances late last year that I personally witnessed ...
(Harp sound effect)
MANAGER: Welcome to Barnes & Noble, Mayor Ness. And may I say, you've been a great mayor for us.
DON: Thanks, but aren't you technically in Hermantown? You have your own mayor.
MANAGER: Do we? Gosh, I should pay attention to what's going on in real life as opposed to my roleplaying over in Fiction. Anyhoo, I see there's a line of folks waiting to get their books signed, so if you need anything, I'll be hunkered down behind the Fifty Shades of Filthy section. Toodles!
(DON LOOKS OVER TO THE LINE OF PEOPLE)
DON: OK, uh, let's get started. Step on up, sir.
MAN: OKOKOKOKOK, I've been thinking long and hard about this momentous occasion.
DON: Well, "momentous" might be a bit of a stretch.
MAN: Oh no, sir, it is not! You are a legend. Your name will never be forgotten in this town!
DON: That's very kind. So, I'll just write "Thanks for coming. Sincerely, Don."
MAN: Who's Don?
DON: Uh, well ...
MAN: My name's Russell.
DON: Um, OK. "To Russell, Thanks for coming. Don."
MAN: Nononononono! That's boring! And I don't know who Don even is!
MAN: Here's what I'd like: "To my magnificent man-beast Russell." That's what I want.
DON: I bet you do. But I've only got a few weeks left in office and I'm not going to do anything stupid. Well, too stupid. Next!
WOMAN: Mr. Mayor.
DON: Please, call me Don.
DON: Uh, so, do you need your book signed?
WOMAN: Nope. But I do have a message for you, Mr. Golden Boy Mayor Man.
DON: Let me guess. Fix your ...
WOMAN: Fix my street! My potholes sink lower than Chuck Horton's poll numbers! I'm selling tickets to the crater in front of my house and billing it as "bigger and emptier than the Mariner Mall!" FIVE CATS, TWO POSTAL TRUCKS AND A RACCOON FELL IN THERE A WEEK AGO AND I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE!! FIX! MY! STREEEEEEEEEEEET!
DON: Look, there's really nothing I can do. Here's a book. Next!
WOMAN: What about my signature?
DON: Your rage melted my Sharpee. Next!
TEEN: (chuckle) Do you need a pen, Mr. Mayor?
DON: Nah, my Sharpee's fine. She was just harshing my mellow. So who should I make this out to?
TEEN: Well ... (tee-hee) ... Please make it out to my uncle.
DON: And what's your uncle's name?
TEEN: (snicker) Mr. Jass. (giggle) First name Hugh.
DON: Alright. "To Hugh Jass."
DON: Something funny?
TEEN: No, no. I, uh, do need to get another book signed, though. For my other uncle.
DON: And his name?
DON: Oh! Is he related to the Lincoln Park Dovers?
TEEN: (chortlesnort) Doubt it ... First name's Ben.
DON: Okey-dokey. "To Ben Dover."
DON: OK, I could use a good laugh. What's the joke?
TEEN: HAHAHA! You are!!!
DON: Thank you, that is so nice.
TEEN: Everyone in my family loves you! In fact, they all asked me to have you sign a book for them. This one's for Cousin Phil McCrackin. My other cousin Amanda Hugginkiss. Her twin brother, Seymore Butts. And ... Oh. How'd this one get in here?
DON: What is it?
TEEN: This is actually a real one for my dad, Don Dicklich.
DON: (EXPLODES) Get out of here, you filthy hooligan!!!
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com. He will be officially changing his name to Magnificent Man-Beast Matuszak in 2017.