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If I only had a brain? What about you?!

So lately I find myself pondering some of life's simple questions ...

"Which came first? The McChicken or the Egg McMuffin?"

"Why are some people so judgmental?"

"How do idiots arrive at their idiotic decisions?"

Yes, I have been thinking about the thought process.

This all started with an item in last week's Duluth News Tribune (slogan: "We Do Have Other Stories Besides Bears, You Know!") about nitwits who toss garbage off of Skyline Parkway. And not just garbage, but these boneheads also leave tires, mattresses and household appliances for Mother Nature to grow around.

Think about that for a second (which is a second longer than these imbeciles probably think about anything): These numbskulls have enough initiative to struggle loading a dead dishwasher into the back of a pickup, drive in the middle of the night to a desolate stretch of Skyline Parkway and then wrestle with it a second time as they shove it into a ravine.

Hey, dipsticks! You've probably done MORE work dumping that heavy paperweight into the woods than you would have done by simply hauling it to Western Lake Superior Sanitary District and disposing of it properly.

But I guess that's the thought process of a mouth-breathing moron.

And what about you goons who support Donald Trump? You do know that most of America thinks you're all Nazis, right? I can hear your synapses connecting right now:

"I don't care what anyone says! The Don isn't afraid to say what he's thinking. Sure, what he's thinking is idiotic and misogynistic, but I don't even know how to spell those words so WHO CARES?!!"

Then there are the discerning listeners to Brad Bennett's show on WDSM. How do some of you decisionmakers get there?

"I enjoy hearing words mangled beyond repair. Brad magically transforms recognizable consonants and syllables into new and wonderful verbiage. And these new words that can mean anything I want them to mean. So fargleboozel off!!"

Or the folks who will be attending the Giant Rubber Ducky Festival at Bayfront this summer:

"You know, it'd be pretty cool to stand in line for hours and pay big money to see something I can see in my bathtub, only bigger and rubber-ier. Quackety-quack! I'll do it!"

If you are one of the people who arrived at any of these above-mentioned decisions, please let me know the conversation you had with yourself before you settled on your choice. Honestly. I'd like to know.

I'm betting it has something to do with Proctor.

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at His thought process was detailed and lengthy about how to end this week’s column but then he settled on an easy Proctor joke. Brad’s show was about to start and he only needed to hear “Roger Rein-hart” for a bingo.

Skyline dumpers! Did you know you can get rid of a lot of that stuff free and legally at WLSSD facilities? Check for details!

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at