Waterskiing squirrels, talking staplers and other random thoughts
So the end of February means the beginning of March (I don't like to brag, but I figured that out all by myself WITHOUT the use a calculator or removing my shoes) and, although we're supposed to beware the Ides of March, I can't say that I even know where they live. However, I do know where there was a waterskiing squirrel last week, which circuitously leads me to this week's column:
Random Thoughts for the End of February/Beginning of March: the Ides Beware Edition!
• I think my stapler is talking to me. Or it could be that this Daytime NyQuil is super-strong. Either way, my paperwork just got more interesting.
• New from Parker Brothers, "Monopoly: The Trump Election Edition." Every time you pass Go, you insult the Pope, Mexicans, women, war veterans and Fox News, PLUS you get 200 more votes.
• Duluth Mayor Emily Larson has started Open Listening Tours. Not to be outdone, Superior Mayor Bruce Hagen has started Ignorant Talking Tours.
• If I had a hammer, I don't know that I'd hammer in the morning. My neighbor might be still be sleeping. However, I wouldn't rule out hammering in the afternoon or evening, unless my stapler warned against it.
• We're supposed to believe that the FBI can't get into an iPhone, yet they have the wherewithal to train a squirrel to waterski? I don't think so, Mulder.
• The ice statue on Barker's Island in Superior looks exactly like a castle ... if you squint. With wax paper covering your eyes. And the castle in question was made of frozen seagull phlegm.
• The day Bellisio's starts serving up peanut butter and banana sandwiches is the day I start eating at Bellisio's.
• My motto has always been, "The rain may turn to snow but the mustard will still be yellow on the ham sandwich of yesteryear." Your motto is probably different.
• If this column makes it to 500 words, I'm eligible for a big, big, big, big, big, big, extremely big, big, big, big, bit (sorry I meant to type "big" there, but my finger slipped), big, big, big, big, big, super-big, bigger than big, big, big, big, usually the editor quits reading by now and I can just say this thing is 500 words long but just in case they do read to the end, big, big, big, big bonus.
• You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. However, you can get him to knock that braggy squirrel off his skis the next time he comes zooming by.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com. He still hasn’t located the Ides of March but he did find some moldy jellybeans that fell out of an Easter basket back in 1972. Beware!!