Brian bails out Valentine slackers ... aka 'men'
So it's Valentine's Day and, as usual, I'm here to bail out every one of you last-minute-dimbulb-clueless-narcissistic-nitwits, or "men," who neglected to obtain something special for your beloved this Feb. 14.
Let's face it, "I'm Donald Trumping it, baby!" isn't going to work as a valid excuse for being a jerkwad this year ... unless, of course, you really ARE Donald Trump. However, then you have an entirely different set of obstacles to deal with, not the least of which is that you're Donald Trump. But where was I? Oh yes! Getting ready to be your Sweetheart Savior.
See, I know the way to a woman's heart. I didn't try to get everyone in high school to call me "Ladies' Man" for nothing. (Of course, my classmates pretended to mishear me, leading to the infamous "Man Lady" nickname in my yearbook. Crazy jokers!) Here are a few simple ideas designed to keep you fellas out of the doghouse this weekend. Don't worry. There'll be plenty of time to move back in there when you forget your anniversary.
Valentine's Day Idea No. 1: Find something she really enjoys, like flowers or a cute kitten, and drench the thing in chocolate. You'll get double points for your creativity; plus it's a gift that keeps on giving as she'll be wiping up candy-coated hairballs 'til Arbor Day.
Valentine's Day Idea No. 2: Borrow from the brainiacs bringing the Tall Ships and the Giant Rubber Duck to town and buy your main squeeze a Humongous Human Heart. Everyone knows that regular size equals boring while abnormally big equals super-cool and not creepy at all.
Valentine's Day Idea No. 3: A copy of Don Ness' book "Hillsider" might not necessarily please the person you love, but the fact that the former mayor still has a garage jammed full of them means he's willing to do whatever it takes to unload them, so you'll get a great price! Plus, not only will Don autograph it, he'll hand-deliver it to your house, softly read to you at bedtime, then finish up with his patented Nighty Time Nessy Tuck-In.
Valentine's Day Idea No. 4: Obtain the writing services of Superior Mayor Bruce Hagen to create your own personalized message that's totally protected by freedom of speech. Like this:
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Obama's a Muslim.
And you are, too.
So go destroy the fabric of democracy in some other community, like Washburn. Unbelievable!!
Oh, and Happy Valentine's day ...
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com. Feel free to let him know if any of these Valentine’s Day ideas work so he can get a head start on 2017.