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Brian's Last-Minute Gift Ideas

So it's Christmas Week, which means the number of shopping days you have left is shrinking faster than the tree count on Fourth Street. Time to quit your bellyaching, lollygagging and all those other silly-sounding procrastination devices you usually employ, and finish up that shopping.

"But Brian," I hear you whining, "I like lollygagging. Have you ever tried it?" (Once. But I was in college and times were different back then.) "Besides," you continue, "my family and friends are impossible to buy for. I have no idea what they want or need. Heck, I'm not entirely sure who they are!" To you, I have two things to say:

1) Visit your mother more often.

2) Read on for my 2015 version of Brian's Last-Minute Gift Ideas.

You'll thank me later, if not before.

Is there someone on your list who loves everything about Duluth's mayor but not necessarily in a healthy way? Stop by City Hall and pick up your own personalized Don Ness Restraining Order. The soon-to-be-former mayor is so beloved that he had 86,128 of these laminated just in case you crazy constituents can't let him go.

The local conservative on your list probably has their radio dial permanently tuned to WDSM and that station's popular morning talk show host. You know who I'm talking about: the guy who sputters and spouts in such a random, scattershot and moist fashion, the spit actually splashes through the airwaves. Help keep your loved ones from drowning by purchasing a Brad Bennett Spittle Coat. They'll stay dry for at least as long as it takes Brad to mangle the words "ISIS terrorists," "crystal meth Chicago welfare recipient" and "Don Dicklich."

New Mayor Countdown Calendar: Have fun ticking off the days to the new Duluth administration by uncovering the same daily potholes and budget black holes that Emily Larson gets to tackle come January!

Spoiler Alert bracelet: Just in time for the new "Star Wars" movie, this unique piece of jewelry automatically sends 20,000 volts of electricity flying toward anyone who reveals the big twist from any film. Never again will your moviegoing experience be ruined by finding out Han Solo marries Chewbacca. (Apparently it's now legal on Tatooine.)

There's a financial crisis at the Duluth Public Library. In order to save on heating costs, they burned all the books in their inventory. As you can imagine, that's a problem for a library. So they quickly rewrote them based on all the classic literature they could remember and made them available for purchase this holiday season. Sure, it's against copyright laws, but that's OK. They're librarians, not attorneys. Titles include "Trampled by Yertles the Turtles," "Fifty Shades of Proctor" and "Chuck Horton Hears a Who and Then Punches It."

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com. His Christmas list this year is short: World domination and a new “Star Wars” T-shirt.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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