Brian randomly thinks about winter
So Old Man Winter is getting ready to shove his cranky cold front into our personal space and plop down for a six-month stay. It's a perfect opportunity for me to return to shoveling form by scooping out a few Random Winter Thoughts from the frozen recesses of my brain and toss 'em your way!
• Proctor snow melts faster than Duluth snow. This is due to barometric pressure caused by the breezes off of Lake Superior and the fact that Proctor is hell.
• If your car won't start this winter, try howling like a monkey as you beat on the hood with a sledgehammer. It won't help with the car — in fact, it may actually set you back a few bucks in repairs — but the guy who lives across the alley will enjoy the early morning January entertainment.
• Pure Pleasure in Hermantown has published some fun winter books this year. "Lady Teeth-Chatterley's Lover" makes a great Christmas gift, but "The Ice Pole Chronicles: An Alaskan Stripper's Story" should probably be saved for Valentine's Day.
• If you come up to me and say "Cold enough for ya?" this winter, I'll give you a hearty belly laugh, but beware: In the middle of August, I will sneak into your house and replace all the toothpaste with Preparation H.
• In a pinch, your credit card can be used as an ice scraper. Just be careful that you don't accidentally purchase a turkey deboner off of eBay. I've seen it happen.
• When your car gets stuck going up Mesaba Avenue, it's perfectly acceptable to get out and park it there until April. Just leave a note with your contact information so the authorities can find which hospital you were transported to after the people in the cars behind you smack you with ice-encrusted floor mats.
• Best technique for maneuvering an icy sidewalk? Jump to the left. Step to the right. Put your hands on your hips. Bring your knees in tight. If you start to slip, avoid thrusting your pelvis as that will drive you insane ... wait a second. This is the best technique for maneuvering The Time Warp. Sorry about that. For an icy sidewalk, just put on a garter belt and hope for the best.
• Avoid cabin fever by having fun with the upcoming snow accumulations. For example, you could paint a picture of radio host Brad Bennett on the side of your garage, then count the days until the giant drift covers his syllable-mangling mouth.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com. He loves winter more than a trip to Disneyland, but only if that trip takes place on a bus with razorblades for seats and if Disneyland is located in a fabric store.