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Twin Ports Halloween ideas, Brian-style

So the weather's been so nice lately, you may start to believe global warming is real and that we're seconds away from worldwide calamities like Enger Tower melting into Lake Superior or Proctor bursting into flames. Well, let me assure you that none of that is going to happen this week; we've got a couple months yet. In the meantime, let's embrace this beautiful October by preparing for the best fall holiday around: Halloween!

With daytime temperatures well above freezing, you should be able to get out there and load up on all-natural treats for the parade of children that'll be ringing the doorbell and scaring your cats. Scour your local forest floor for acorns, pine needles and the occasional mound of ... oh, let's call them "berries." If these succulent morsels are good enough for those annoying squirrels, they're definitely good enough for annoying kids.

Can't afford supplies for this year's late-night Halloween shenanigans? Fear not! Gather up all the campaign flyers that have been shoved in your front door these past few months, tape them together and create one long sheet of impromptu toilet paper. Don't worry. This political TP will definitely stick in the trees when you toss it up there. It's already full of crap.

"But what about my costume?" I hear you shrieking like brakes on a Buick careening down Piedmont Avenue. "I don't have any idea what I'm going to be for Halloween and it's less than a week away! AUGH!!!!!"

First off, I gotta get my brakes checked. Secondly, put those exclamation points back in the Rex Morgan, M.D. comic strip where you found them and calm down. Here are some Twin Ports costume ideas that are sure to terrify more people than a Donald Trump presidency.

• Dig that Don Ness mask and a dress out of your closet and slap 'em on ... Voila! You're Emily Larson!

• Draw imaginary lines on the floor and when someone at your party crosses them, kick them out of your house forever. You're a local union leader!

• Here's a two-for-one costume idea: Go as a number less than a millionth of a percent. Then you're either Chuck Horton's mayoral vote tally or the number of Mariner Mall tenants.

• Stand outside your neighbor's house and sing AC/DC covers loudly, badly and well past 11 p.m. You're Bayfront Festival Park!

Hopefully, these few frightening ensemble ideas will take the stress out of your Halloween season. At the very least, they should ease your concerns about global warming. I mean, what's to worry about anyway? Grandma's will take care of all that water from the melting ice caps by putting it in their drinks.

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at He was going to go trick-or-treating in his Entertaining Local Morning Radio Show costume but then remembered it didn’t exist.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at