Brian's 2015 Random Political Thoughts Guide
So you may not have heard, but it's election season and if you hadn't heard that, your ears must be plugged up with more gunk than Donald Trump's tax plan. I mean, how could you miss it? There are reminders everywhere:
Doors are being knocked on. Mailboxes are being stuffed full of flyers. Front page stories in the Duluth News Tribune are being written that don't involve bears. We're bombarded every day. In fact, there are so many candidates running for so many offices with so many different issues, you might start to feel as overwhelmed as a Vikings quarterback. Well, fret not, Budgeteer readers! I am here to help.
My Random Political Thoughts Guide 2015 is full of information to help you make a sort-of informed decision this November. Plus, it can also be used to cover your face when you take a wrong turn on Highway 53 and accidentally end up in Proctor.
Let the randomness begin!
• Emily Larson is really Don Ness in a wig. It's true! He wanted to run again without being seen as too pushy, so he created this fictional "Emily" character in order to do just that. I'm the head of rumor control and that's what I heard anyway.
• Ranked-choice voting is on the ballot. Opponents who say it's too confusing also continually put their cell phones in their back pockets and butt-dial Keewatin. Proponents, however, claim that ranked-choice voting is as easy as 5-2-6-1-3-4-BR-549 apostrophe backslash duck artichoke 42 ... BINGO!
• There are several prominent citizens running for Duluth City Council. I just wish I could remember their names. Oh, well. When you're in that voting booth, do what I do in the public restroom at the Holiday Center: Hold your nose and hope for the best.
• To sort out the various School Board candidates, try some visualization to see if you can picture that person getting screamed at by Art Johnston.
• Finally, there are a couple more ballot initiatives to contend with: raising city councilors' pay and alcohol in Lakeside. Neither of these are any of your business, so scribble in a Donald Duck face and call it a day. But beware: Don't forget to draw his sailor cap or election officials might think you meant to vote for Chuck Horton.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com. If nominated, he will not run. But if elected, he’ll probably still serve. He’d be doing something funny in office on purpose.