Go West, old man? Stay home!
So when last we left the Matuszak Traveling Clan they were in Denver, Colo., sweating and swearing profusely. Now, I don't mean to give the impression that our entire trip was a horror-heat show. Just the parts when the sun was out. And we didn't utter curse words the entire time. Just the parts when the sun was out.
In fact, here's a list of the stuff we liked about Denver:
• Red Rocks.
• Botanic Gardens.
• The day we left.
Yes, we missed Duluth, where those mighty Lake Superior winds blow all the hot air into the radio studios of WDSM and the only rattlesnakes to be found are running for mayor.
It was time to head for home. But we did make a few stops along the way since we knew, after this experience, we'd probably never leave the house again.
As we headed north on I-25 out of Colorado, we noticed that the Rocky Mountains were giving us a personal escort. In fact, they never left our side until we made the turn for Minnesota. As I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw those ancient guardians of the west slipping back into the mist, I swear I heard them whispering in my head:
"Safe travels, my friends. Safe travels."
Which was followed quickly by:
"And don't you ever come back."
Wyoming: An interesting state. You never have to check for traffic at intersections, for example. You're in Wyoming. Nothing's coming. We stopped at a couple of historic sites on the Oregon Trail; one still had the original ruts in the rocks left by all the wagon wheels of those hearty pioneers traveling west. The other was Register Cliff, where those same pioneers chiseled their family names into the soft stone. Both places were amazing tributes to the strength and perseverance of these early settlers. I could relate. I had a wood tick stuck to my ear once.
Nebraska: We were speeding towards Carhenge, that impressive recreation of Stonehenge but with old cars instead of prehistoric boulders, when we got pulled over by a Nebraska police officer. He let us go when he heard our destination. Apparently, he thought Carhenge would be punishment enough. (Joke's on him. It was awesome!)
South Dakota: Mount Rushmore. Unbelievable. Wall Drug. Kitschy yet cool. But hands down, the best part of this state were the prairie dogs. We stopped at a roadside gift shop that was crawling with these furry little creatures. Think Jay Fosle, but more fuzzy and well-behaved.
And that was it. Six hectic, fun-filled, sweat-drenched days on the road and at the end of it, we reached the same conclusion we always do when traveling:
There's no place like home.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com. He loves all law enforcement officers but especially the ones in Nebraska.