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Thanksgiving gets no respect 'round here

So, I don't know if you've heard, but next up on the official We-Don't-Have-To-Go-To-Work-Today-Hooray! calendar is supposed to be Thanksgiving. I say supposed to be because Christmas has, once again, shoved its way to the front of the line, drowning our delicious turkey beneath an ocean of holly and ivy. Everywhere you look, reindeer and elves are frolicking in the plastic snow aisle at your favorite department store and herald angels are blasting their messages of Peace on Earth while all I want is a Piece of Pie. This has to stop.

I refuse to let the Great Gravy Holiday be overshadowed by Santa any more! (To be fair, Santa's big belly doesn't allow it to be overshadowed any less, either.) This year I am taking a stand and giving my November holiday the attention it deserves. Not only am I making room in my tummy for mounds of mashed potatoes, but I'm also clearing out the musty cobwebs in the back corners of my brain for some fresh, piping hot Thanksgiving Random Thoughts.

Like these!

• Thanksgiving was originally celebrated as a day of giving thanks for the blessing of the harvest. Today it's celebrated as a day of giving thanks for finding the remote and planting yourself in the recliner.

• Tryptophan makes me so sleepy, it really should be called "C-Span-ophan."

• Leftovers are never a problem at our house. The second I can't cram any more pumpkin pie in my face, I use it to spackle the garage. More than two slices left and Daddy's got some new winter clogs.

• Did you know that one of the very first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons wasn't a balloon at all? It was Orson Welles, who had become disoriented after a particularly intense rehearsal of "Macbeth" and stumbled onto 38th Street in his codpiece.

• Speaking of the parade, it is my opinion that the marching bands should have less synchronized turns and more live badgers.

• Instead of tossing a football around out in the yard this year, try Aunt Glenda's green bean casserole. That way, when you throw a deep pass that gets stuck up on the roof, everybody wins.

• Just because it's called a gravy "boat," by the way, doesn't mean it's seaworthy. That's all I can say for now due to pending litigation.

• If you're having trouble un-thawing your bird this year, try wearing warmer mittens.

Brian is in the middle of his extensive Thanksgiving Day training of stuffing his face with stuffing, wiggling his abdomen to make additional belly space and purchasing every pair of elastic pants in Kohl’s.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at