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Random thoughts at summer's end

So, wait ... summer's over? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?! I had so much I wanted to accomplish this summer and never got a chance. I guess that's what happens in Duluth, the land of the 48-Hour Summer Window. We only have a handful of perfect days that manage to sneak in between the blinding rainstorms, rolling mountains of fog and lake winds howling like contestants in a "What Does Barbara Reyelts Sound Like When the Hairspray Nozzle Clogs?" Contest.

My problem is that I had naively prepared for long stretches of gorgeous Duluth summer weather. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! The only thing sunny and 75 between June and August in the Twin Ports is Darren Danielson's toupee! What am I supposed to do with all this summer stuff piled up in my backyard as useless as a free parking coupon for Canal Park? I could probably sell the vat of sunscreen to Hermantown residents who are blinded by the shiny new Mills Fleet Farm silo ... (What exactly is Stewart Mills trying to overcompensate for with those giant poles erected all over the state of Minnesota, by the way?) ... and the bright orange "I'm With Stupid" tourist T-shirts will undoubtedly be snatched up by either Trump supporters or anyone who lives in Wisconsin ... but I still need to unload all these crates of industrial-strength bug spray that repel irritating insects like mosquitoes and the people who make those Charter cable television commercials.

Hmmmm ...

While I ponder that, help yourself to a few Random End-of-Summer Thoughts that should tide you over until Halloween. Or at least until the end of this column. Whichever is scarier.

  • Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater's knee gave up before the season even started. That's almost two weeks earlier than when Vikings fans usually give up.
  

  • Tried to tour the inside of the Giant Rubber Duck when it was in town, but I took a wrong turn and ended up inside the owner of the Giant Rubber Duck. Hard to say which one had an emptier soul.

  • I was disappointed when Old Country Buffet closed up this summer. Never got a chance to overpay for lukewarm, rubbery food one last time.

  • Channel 3 returned this summer with a new set, new anchors and exciting new programming, prompting many viewers to excitedly proclaim: "Channel 3 went away?"

  • The concerts down at Bayfront Festival Park weren't as loud this year. At least that's what former Mayor Don Ness told me every time I called him to ask if he had received any complaints from residents. Found out after the 127th call that he has picked up a few swear words since he left office, though.
Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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