Enjoy the blip that is summer
So we've rounded the bend of Frozen Minnesota Spring Season and are headed for Slightly Less Frozen Minnesota Summer Tourist Season. These oxymoronic names serve as a reminder as to why we live here in northern Minnesota. (Or is it that those names remind us why we're morons for living here in northern Minnesota?) Either way, it's time to get ready for sweaty temps and even sweatier tourists.
First, you need a summer plan. There are dozens of spring cleaning chores left to do around the house ... I've heard ... but who has time for that nonsense? I've got margaritas to blend, freight boxes full of mosquito repellant to unload and trashy novels to "borrow" from the library to be read while lounging about by the pool.
Please don't think I'm putting on my fancy pants, by the way, when I talk about these awesome summertime activities. Except for seven-eighths of the recent Republican presidential field, I'm no better than anyone else. I don't even have a real pool to lounge nearby, but fear not! Improvisation is a skill set I often employ (but being a theatrical art, doesn't employ me) so do what I do: Grab a beach towel and swimsuit, head down to Home Depot and enjoy a leisurely afternoon near the kiddie inflatable yard pools. (WARNING: If Home Depot has kiddie pools next to the power drills and/or hedge clippers, try Menards instead.)
Next, don't forget that your window of warm temperatures is small here in the Northland, so be prepared. Place everything you'll need for summer fun near the door and the instant that mercury strains above 72, blast outside and roll around in your front yard like a happy squirrel for 42 1/2 minutes.
Remember that summer also means outdoor concerts. Tributefest, Bluesfest, Rubberduckyfest and loads more noisy productions will be aiming their decibel levels straight at your earholes. Stock up on the cotton balls and have Don Ness' phone number standing by. (I know he's not the mayor anymore, but I'm positive that he still enjoys hearing all of you complain about everything.)
Finally, dig out all the parkas, boots, scarves and whale blubber you buried in the basement when we had that one weird, sweltering 90-degree day last week. Rest assured that Mother Nature was just messing with our heads and sweat glands. You're gonna need every item of that winter gear come Aug. 20.
Keeping all these helpful hints in mind, you should be able to relax and enjoy your Twin Ports summer. Just don't blink and miss it, because before you know it, summer will be replaced by Frigid Frosty Hurtful Heartbreaking Frozen Fall. Or, as it's better known in these parts, Vikings Season.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com. He apologizes to everyone at the Mother’s Day Brunch at Barker’s Island last week but he vowed that the pants would be coming off as soon as the temperature hit 90 and he didn’t think that would be May 6.