Remember Mrs. Bates on Mother's Day
So I was cleaning out the ol' Mind Attic recently when I came across a musty cardboard box with the words "Random Thoughts: Moms" scrawled across the top in blue crayon. The box was tucked wa-a-a-a-ay in the back, behind other dusty piles of random thoughts about squirrels, ranch dressing and Dolly Parton.
The timing was quite fortuitous as we are now smack-dab in the middle of that special day meant to commemorate moms, the creatively named Mother's Day.
Let's crack open this box and make her proud! Sort of!
- On graduation day, make sure and thank your mom for all she's done. Unless she hasn't done anything. Then thank her for acting just like dad.
- I can't count the number of times my mom has had to lie about what her son does for a living. Not out of embarrassment, but to throw the authorities off track.
- Forwards or backwards, "Mom" is still "Mom." Try doing that with "siblings." Or "cousins." Or "weird Uncle Ferdinand."
- If you could go back in time and show your teenage parents how cool you were going to turn out, they'd probably freak out and you'd immediately disappear. On second thought, don't go back in time and do that.
- Remember all the times your mother made you finish your peas before you could have dessert, only to find out there was no dessert? And then your mother laughed and laughed while your tears left green-tinged streaks down your cheeks? But then do you also remember how she hugged you at that point and revealed that there was, in fact, a frosty treat with your name on it? Then she slowly pulled out the frozen peas and erupted into maniacal laughter again, this time so raucously that she started choking as you left the room in a furious rage? Best birthday ever.
- Good TV mother: Carol Brady.
- Bad TV mother: Shaft. (Shut your mouth!)
- There are lots of songs that honor mothers, but not one of them features a line about ironing my kitty pajamas. I think that's pretty important to be left out.
- Mom threw out all my baseball cards but she did save the sticks of bubble gum. We used them to pry open the door when I locked my keys in the family Buick, so it all worked out.
- In the history of bad sons, I'd have to think Norman Bates is right up there. I mean, what was with mocking her in that weird voice? That was just plain mean. Oh, and that other stuff, too, of course.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com. He’d like to wish his mom a Happy Mother’s Day, but he already did. So instead he’ll wish her Happy Arbor Day. (She’s also fond of trees.)