Bayfront Festival Park: the interview
So there are two things you should know about me. First, I'm easily distracted. And ... um... the, uh, second ... is ... um ... heh heh, look at that. Cat videos are why the interwebs was invented ...
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. Setting up this week's column.
In my continuing quest to provide you with more in-depth information than all the local media outlets combined, not counting WDSM (less news center, more mouth explosion factory), I recently interviewed a Twin Ports legend. This local superstar has been making headlines lately and I wanted to get his unique perspective on a wide range of controversial topics.
So without further adieu, here is my conversation with Mr. Bayfront Festival Park!
ME: Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Park.
PARK: Call me Jeno.
ME: May I ask why?
PARK: Who do you think ponied up the cash to get me built? It sure as heckfire wasn't Gary Doty!
ME: But I didn't call you "Gary Doty" ...
PARK: You were thinkin' it! I can tell what people are thinkin'!
ME: Well, since I rarely think before I speak, I should be safe then. Heh heh.
PARK: I'm watchin' you, funny boy. (Makes weird eye-to-eye motion with what are supposed to be fingers but are really porta-potties.)
ME: Let's start with your background. You mentioned that Jeno is the reason you exist today.
PARK: Jeno's the reason ANYTHING exists in this city! Do you know what I was before Jeno and Lois Paulucci came along?
ME: Oh! I know this one! I did some research on my laptop!
PARK: Should've used a computer ...
ME: What? No, I did use a comput — Wait, here it is! You were the Flame Restaurant.
PARK: No, you moron!! That's the aquarium!!
ME: (distracted) Awwwwww, look at that kitty in the pail! Cu-u-u-u-u-ute!
PARK: QUIT EYE-BALLIN' YER LAP AND LOOKIT UP HERE NOW!!!
ME: Sorry! So, um, what were you before a park?
PARK: I was a swampy mess, just like your brain! There was nothin' down at Bayfront except broken bottles and Club Saratoga posters!
PARK: YA CALLIN' ME A LIAR, CHICKEN BOY?!!!
ME: I wouldn't dare, but this does lead to my next question. People say that you've been extremely loud lately ...
PARK: WHO SEZ THAT?! WHERE ARE THEY? GIMME NAMES!!!!
ME: ... and that you've been creating this hubbub after 10 p.m. when Duluth citizens are trying to sleep. How do you respond?
PARK: IT MUST BE BEAUTY SLEEP!!!! CUZ THIS TOWN NEEDS IT!!!!
ME: Now you're just being mean. Here, take a look at this video of a cat painting a duck. You'll feel better.
PARK: I ain't got time for that ... *urp* ... I feel another festival bubblin' up.
ME: Perhaps I should find a Tums?
PARK: TOO LATE!! *BRRRRRRAAAPPPPPPPP*
ME: Ewww, I'm covered in glitter! What was inside of you?
PARK: Pride Festival.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com. Don’t miss his next Twin Ports landmark interview as he sits down with both Superior Street and the Enger Golf Course to discuss holes.