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Tweets and twits and Brian, oh my!

As you can probably guess, I'm frickin' hilarious. It's true! There hasn't been a news story in the past 20 years at which I couldn't poke some fun. Well, except for that whole "Stewart Mills cut his hair" thing. I mean, there's nothing funny about all those shimmering follicles being shaved and shorn. It may seem like it now, Mr. Mills, but hair is not necessarily a renewable resource! And if you're fortunate enough to have been born with long, lustrous, beautiful hair, you shouldn't take it for granted! You should keep it as long as you can and not just toss it away! SOMEONE NOT AS FORTUNATE AS YOU COULD USE IT TO KEEP THEIR SHINY CHROME DOME WARM IN THE BONE-CHILLING FROST OF WINTER, YOU GOLDILOCKS HEAD!!

Sorry. Little touchy on that subject. Not sure why. ...

As I was saying, I'm funny. And I'd like to prove it this week by showcasing my other awesome ability: my social media savvy. You see, I have a Tweeter account on my myPhone thing and I am always updating it with whatever rib-tickling thought happens to enter my brain. They just pop in there. I can't do anything to stop them. As David Letterman once famously said: "There's no off position on the genius switch." Not too long afterward, he also said: "Quit following me, you strange bald man." I'm fairly certain both of those saying are about me.

Ladies and gentlemen, better strap on some thigh pads, cuz you'll be slapping them silly after reading just a few of the most laughable Twits ever typed into the interweb. Here we go!

March 30: "I got a new phone! How do you dial this thing? Better yet, how do you hang it up? #rollickingrubberchicken. HAH!"

April 15: "Taxes are due. Claimed this phone as a tax deduction because all these tweeter things are so hysterical! #rubberchickenribtickling. HAH!"

June 1: "Got a letter from the IRS. Perfect timing as we ran out of hamster cage lining! #thanksObama. #thischickenguyisfunnierthananyofyou. HAH!"

July 29: "Government goons knocking at my door for 3 hrz straight, y'allz. Never find me. I'm not pushing paper! #cantstopthehumoroftherubberchicken. HAH!!"

Aug. 1: "Need bail. Started a Kickshooter thing. Click if you can. Faster you send $$, faster I'll be able to keep tweeetertwitting things. #dontbedumbkeepthefunnyrolling. HAH!!"

Aug. 2: "This number has been disconnected. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again."

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter (for real) at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at He is not actually in prison. He's in a much scarier place, full of cobwebs, crushed souls, and ugly creatures that slink through the night. If you guessed "Wisconsin," he couldn't really say you were wrong.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at