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Getting to Wisconsin shouldn't be this hard

So it's the end of another busy, stress-filled week and you're ready to relax with a stop at one of your favorite watering holes. Unfortunately, those watering holes are all closed because the health department found a batch of e.coli floating on them that resembled Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia eating moldy Froot Loops. So you decide to go to a bar instead, but that leads to one, inescapable conclusion:

You have to go to Wisconsin.

I know, I know. You don't want to go to Wisconsin. NOBODY wants to go to Wisconsin. But it's like your grandma always said, if you seek beer, you need to travel directly to the source of beer. And like it or not, that's our cheesehead-wearing, bratwurst-chewing friends to the east.

Wisconsin! Home of Budweiser, Old Milwaukee, Miller High Life, and more. Way, way more. Heck, the state itself is shaped like the head of a mushy-mouthed afternoon tavern patron who is slurring "PBRRRRrrrrrmeanotherrrrrr" to the waitress right before he lays back down to pick up peanut shells with his tongue.

This is not to say that Wisconsin doesn't have many fine qualities, however. Through the state's new open records law, I requested a copy of those qualities from Gov. Scott Walker's office. Let's see here ... um ... it looks like ... uh ... well ... hmmm ... geez, there's a lot of stuff blacked out ... Wait! Here's one! Apparently, you can cheer for any Green Bay Packer that haven't been arrested. So there's that.

The other thing that Wisconsin has going for it is its proximity to Minnesota. It only takes a couple of minutes to go from Duluth to Superior ... unless you actually want to cross a bridge. Then it's quicker to wait for January and walk across the ice.

In a shining example of how communication is not a vital component between governmental departments of transportation, the eastbound lanes of the Bong Bridge are currently closed for repair. It only makes sense, then, that half the lanes on the Blatnik Bridge are also shut down for maintenance. This means that cars trying to get to Wisconsin currently resemble a line of fatty blood cells trudging through one cheese-clogged artery. A few weeks back, it took us an hour ... 60 MINUTES ... to get from Enger Tower to Superior, and that wasn't even attempting the insanity that was the Blatnik Bridge. We avoided that by heading way out west toward Morgan Park to cross the Oliver Bridge, but even then, we still had to weave through ripped-up road construction near the Lake Superior Zoo, causing us to use several bad words within earshot of the monkeys.

No one should have to work that hard to get to Wisconsin.

Unless grandma needs a six-pack of Blatz.

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at He kids Wisconsin, again, because he loves Wisconsin, still. So relax and count your Super Bowl rings.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at