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Brian and America: two summer birthdays

So it's time to wish happy birthday to a couple of old guys who keep getting better with age: the United States of America and me. (I'm the younger of the two, but America has more hair, especially around the armpit states.)

In honor of these momentous natal day anniversaries, I thought I'd share some Random Thoughts that I stumbled across while unloading the cranial crates that were stored waaaaaaay back in the musty recesses of my mind. I was making room for the new Random Thoughts that are sure to pop in there as I unwrap the piles of gifts I'll be receiving from grateful readers like all of you. (I wear a size XL "Star Wars" T-shirt, by the way.) So here we go!

• Very convenient that the country's birthday is on the Fourth of July, since it's already a holiday.

• If you add five years to my age, that's how old I will be in 2020. Mind blown.

• This year's display at Bayfront should be spectacular, but if you want real fireworks, try getting to Wisconsin with only one half-lane of bridge traffic open all summer.

• For 51 years, Cheryl Ladd has not called to wish me a happy birthday. I think this year will be different, though, especially since that pesky restraining order has been "misplaced."

• If Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Conan the Barbarian had fought harder during the War of 1812, we might not need history classes today.

• In honor of America's forefathers, I'm writing this week's column while wearing a powdered wig and pantaloons. Of course, that's my normal Monday outfit anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

• Many people don't even realize that America was named for the rock band America. It's true. Why do you think George Washington's horse didn't have a name?

• In a pinch, ear wax can be shaped into birthday candles. On a related note, I must confess to the partygoers in 1972 that butterscotch frosting was not the reason the cake tasted funky.

• The United States turned 18 in 1794. Ironically, that's when it stopped getting carded.

• Coincidentally, I haven't been carded since my last set of chins drooped into place in 1994.

• Now that the United States is nearly 240 years old, I think we can finally get it over with and combine North Dakota and South Dakota into one big blob of Dakota.

• Summer birthdays are the best. You have a built-in excuse to eat cake and sweat.

• Avoid using homemade fireworks this Fourth of July. You should always rely on the professionalism of a roadside tent worker named Bubba "Six Fingers" McGee.

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at And if you were planning to buy him a Star Wars T-shirt for his birthday, you’re probably too late anyway. Han shopped first.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at