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Spring-cleaning tips from the master

So May is sneaking up on us, quiet as a mouse, but dangerous as a moose. (Not that a moose is super-dangerous, but I still wouldn’t want to meet one in Lester Park.) Mild temperatures are consistently above the teeth-chattering mark and that bright orb in the sky is actually sticking around a few minutes longer every day. It’s enough to lull you into a sense of summer security ...

WELL, WAKE UP, RUSSELL!

You might THINK you have plenty of time to get your house, yard and life in order before those lazy, hazy, crazy 10 1/2 minutes of summer descend on the Twin Ports, but I’m here to act as your big ol’ slap in the face and remind you ...

YOU’RE DUMB, CHESTER!!

Before you can shriek “It’s here!!!” summer will be here! Make sure you aren’t caught with your snow pants down. Follow these simple spring cleaning tips and you’ll be able to act like that blue pedestrian slip bridge operator who also goofs off all summer because he has nothing to do.

SPRING CLEANING TIP NO. 1

The snow has disappeared from your front yard now and that’s not a euphemism for something else. Go find that rake you didn’t find last fall because you couldn’t find it from the spring before that and start clearing all that debris that’s now visible to Every. Single. Person. Walking by your house. Take it from me, those looks of disgust aren’t solely due to your refusal to wear appropriate morning yoga workout pants. They’re also being caused by the horrific, brown, lumpy dump pile that is your front yard. (But it’s mostly the pants.)

SPRING CLEANING TIP NO. 2

Crank open the windows and release all the dead flies that were trapped in there when you closed up the windows for good last October. Don’t forget to rake these piles up as well. In fact, make it fun. Gather them all into one huge mound, carefully place your Darth Vader action figure on top, then light the whole thing on fire and recreate the end scene of “Return of the Jedi.”

SPRING CLEANING TIP NO. 3

Now’s the perfect time to go through your closets and find all those out-of-style, no-longer-fit-without-the-aid-of-a-crowbar-and-butter pieces of clothing and donate them to your favorite charity. You’ll be helping a worthwhile organization while at the same time ridding your house of every single “You Know You’re a Redneck” T-shirt handed down from your brothers, Russell and Chester.

Follow these helpful hints today and you’ll be able to kick back and relax tomorrow. You’ll even have time to finish your summer birthday shopping for that special someone who happens to have been born on July 7 and is in desperate need of morning yoga workout pants.

Not to mention a new Darth Vader action figure.

Brian's spring cleaning ritual is to procrastinate ‘til November. Works every year.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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