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It's Easter so get off your keister

So it's Easter and you know that means: If Jesus rises, walks out of that cave into the bright sunlight then sees his shadow, we've got six more weeks of winter. Or something like that. To be honest, those church sermons made me kind of sleepy when I was a kid so I didn't catch a lot of what Father Paquette had to say. I think there was something else about loaves, fishes and boxes of wine, but don't quote me on that.

However, I do know some stuff about this special holiday full of chocolate bunnies, yummy jellybeans and reanimated corpses. And that knowledge, coupled with totally fabricated facts made up from the holiest of whole cloth, should allow me to fill yet another column with Random Thoughts, this time of the Easter variety.

So let's roll away that rock and begin!

• I'm not saying that the fix is in, but why does Easter seem to hop, skip and jump around the calendar every year while Santa always makes his visit on the same exact day in December? Could that be why corporate candy bigwigs invented the idea of a mythical Easter "Bunny?" To keep us spending money on sweet, chocolate-covered concoctions all during those slow spring months? Hmmmm??? I BET IT IS!!

• Of course, if you're reading this, Mr. Easter Bunny, I totally believe in you. Please don't forget my basket of marshmallow-covered peanut butter eggs! I love you!!! AND I LOVE YOU, TOO, SANTA!!!!

• Whatever the holiday, I like to cover all my bases.

• If you open a thousand boxes of blue Peeps and spell out the words "I'M WARNING YOU NOW, WE DON'T OWN DRAPES" on your neighbor's lawn, make sure they're home for the weekend to actually see them. Otherwise, you've wasted a lot of time, energy and sugar.

• My Easter basket is filled with eggs, but they're not brightly colored. And they're not eggs. And it's not an Easter basket. I guess I'm eating a Pop-Tart. Huh.

• And Arbor Day! That doesn't move around! You can always count on it being ... um ... uh ... well ... you know, on that one day! Every year!

• Why should Christmas get all the fun? This town needs an Easter City of the North Parade on TV, too. Sure, it'll still be cold and yucky outside, but that just makes it more hilarious when Adam Clark gets run over by the Arco Coffee float.

• If you peel an Easter egg and it smells like a fermented chipmunk, I would just go ahead and toss that one.

• And what about my birthday?!! That doesn't move around, either!! It's been the same day every year for 25 years now!

Brian believes that Jesus, in addition to being the best-dressed of the saviors, has a tremendous sense of humor. At least, that’s what he’s counting on.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at