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Brian has been randomly un-thawed

Slightly photoshopped scene from "Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man."

So our recent spate of warm weather has had many pleasant side effects around my house. The snow melted in the backyard, allowing me to find some previously lost summer items, including my Official Darren Danielson Fan Club thongs (they’re sandals, gutter-mind), as well as my Official Pure Pleasure in Hermantown Fan Club thongs (ummmmm, never mind). The early morning bird songs have started up again, to accompany the 4 a.m. cat yarglings of hunger. And the squirrels have even started to show some extra zip in their collecting of the nuts.

But the best part of this fantastic weather has been the un-thawing of my icy brain, which has exposed hundreds of frozen random thoughts, ready to be chipped out and shared. Since winter’s not officially over yet, I better hurry before they melt away and leave a puddle of randomness all over my shoes. Which hasn’t happened to me since college. So here we go!

  • If the Duluth Boat Show had wanted to attract more people a couple weeks back, they should have ditched Twiggy and brought in Denny, the Water Skiing Toupee.
  • Want some grammatical fun? Stick in a hyphen where it doesn’t belong. For example: Non-Sense from T-Rump.
  • If I had a nickel for every dime I was carrying around, all that change would make my cargo shorts droopy.
  • Things That Haven’t Improved With Age: Ted Nugent. Freeway drivers. The “cheese” way in the back of my fridge.
  • Couple more foolishly rejected Duluth Boat Show exhibit ideas: Great Lakes Aquarium Tour Simulator full of pretend exhibits that actually work and a full-size model of the Duluth City Council made of plastic bags and outrage.
  • Want more grammatical fun? Insert exclamation points into every personal greeting. For example: “Welcome to your colonoscopy!” Or “Honey! I’d love to meet your parents!!!”
  • If we had a local reality TV show where all the weather people had to survive on an island, my money would be on Justin Liles. Not to win, but to be the contestant who raises the subject of cannibalism within the first hour and a half.
  • Want even more grammatical fun? Remove all vowels from your words and replace them with moist mouth sounds. (This tip endorsed by WDSM’s Brad Bennett. Probably.)
  • I wasn’t going to give my heart to Proctor for Valentine’s Day, but they annexed it.
  • Since the Duluth Boat Show didn’t want my ideas, I’m willing to sell them to the upcoming Duluth Home Show with slight alterations. For example: Straight from Guantanamo Bay, it’s Twiggy, the Water Boarding Squirrel!

Brian's thoughts may be random, but his actions are few.

Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at RubberChickenTheater.com.

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